Tips From A Skeleton: HOW NOT TO OFFEND ME

Do not try to guess how old I am by looking at my teeth-- I can tell that’s what you’re trying to do. Just ask.

After I make a joke, do not raise your eyebrows and say something stupid about a "funny bone". I've actually heard that one before! And it's never funny!

Do not say you have another skeleton friend, from camp, you forget his name. You don’t.

If you and I are making love, can you maybe refer to it as such? “Boning" or "Boning down", as a verb? I find it confusing, and it makes me uncomfortable. I AM bone.

Don’t tell me the story of when you “were me” for Halloween. You don’t understand how it feels to be me just because one day in 1989 you wore glorified pajamas and walked around gathering Snickers in a plastic pumpkin. That is not my reality.

Finally, do not tell me how you “worked your fingers to the bone” yesterday at your job. Really, you did? Oh, of course, yes, now I remember, that’s how I got this way – working 4 hour shifts on Sundays at Sunglass Hut. You and I are basically the same.